How I Became More Confident

i thought i was ugly. this idea didn’t come from thin air — the world told me.

in sixth grade, one of my classmates walked around the room to measure the black students’ noses. he was on a quest to see whose was the thinnest and therefore prettiest.

over the years, boys and men alike thought it was a compliment to say i was “pretty for a dark-skinned girl.”

once my “best friend” laughed at my dark skin and encouraged me to stay out of the sun.

years later an ex-boyfriend told me his sister didn’t think i was “pretty enough to be with him.” she mentioned my natural hair as the reason.

most recently, someone commented on my youtube video that i must be the daughter of a certain african orisha or deity who specialized in making people with “unusual beauty” pretty.

clearly, i am the oil to the western beauty standard’s water. for women and femmes with dark skin, wide noses and tightly-coiled hair, it’s not that we simply possess low self-esteem. white supremacy, colorism and internalized racism demand it.

from childhood, we are fed self-hatred.

and then came my abuser. he would often say he was happy that i had low self-esteem. if not, i wouldn’t have been in a relationship with him. it’s painfully true because his brokenness reflected my own. i was told that i was unworthy so i felt unworthy and found a partner who treated me like i was indeed unworthy.

i left the day that he threw my things out of our home for the third time. i’d been praying for the strength to walk away and not look back. my fear was starting over all alone, mentally battered and horribly embarrassed by how i’d allowed myself to be treated.

it’s not surprising that my life afterwards depended on defining myself and finding my confidence. my quest started with a daily fight to heal, and today my confidence is the highest it’s ever been.

the list below are five areas that i continue to pursue as key pillars of my self-esteem.

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How I Became More Confident

Healers

my first step in healing and becoming more confident was actively calling healers into my life. in fact, seeing a therapist helped me to leave my abusive relationship. afterwards, i spent years seeing mental health professionals and exploring both cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR. the latter has been critical in my quest to overcome childhood trauma.

thankfully, i’m clear that healers come in all forms. aside from therapy, i’ve also invested in holistic services like naturopathy and acupuncture. i believe that our minds and bodies are connected. focusing on treating my body with greater dignity helped me to shift the idea that i was unworthy.

READ: Living as a Breast Cancer Survivor: My Favorite Healers

also, i invested in a business/life coach who forced me to embrace my greatness. from the moment we met, she saw a light that she wouldn’t allow me to dim. after two engagements and many coaching sessions, i’m a proud business owner with the confidence it takes to be a successful solopreneur.

Healthy Romance

one of the signs that my self work was paying off was attracting my fiancée. again, i believe we hold space for our reflections in our lives. she’s the most kind, self-assured and loving person that i’ve ever met. the fact that we chose each other is a sign of my healing.

after seven years together, she still pushes me to be better. she’s constantly affirming my beauty and supporting my wild ideas. she’s at the top of almost every gratitude list that i’ve ever made.

if you’re struggling with your confidence, then take a look at your closest relationships. long gone are the people in my circle who didn’t have the capacity to love me unconditionally. for the first time in my life, both my romantic and closest platonic relationships are healthy and whole.

Affirmations

how you speak to yourself matters. our subconscious mind is like a sponge and absorbs information without filter or condition. this information turns into beliefs which then turn into the lens by which we see the world. the beauty of it all is we have the power to reframe our entire existence with a strong affirmation practice.

while working to heal, i poured myself into personal development resources like iyanla vanzant’s peace from broken pieces, marianne williamson’s a return to love and gabby bernstein’s spirit junkie. all of these books speak to the importance of developing a self-love mindset. affirmations play a critical role in doing so and can be in the form of a written list or daily journaling.

the key to affirmations is getting crystal clear on what you’re calling forth. the one that helped to detox my embarrassment stemming from my abusive relationship is “i’ve made no mistake that matters today.” i now see that time in my life as a difficult moment that i was brave and strong enough to overcome. i’m proud not embarrassed.

check out my 21-day happiness project for more of my favorite affirmations.

21-Day Happiness Project

a major part of my healing was giving myself permission to be happy. i created the 21-day happiness project while healing from a hysterectomy. this time in my life could have been the lowest and a major blow to my self-esteem. however, i chose something different.

i chose joy. a year later when my breast cancer diagnosis came, i was prepared with a devotion to my happiness that was unshakeable. i had the confidence that i could thrive through it all. if i did it before, then i could do it again.

spending time doing what you love and watching yourself glow and grow is a major confidence booster.

I Said “Yes”

saying yes is part of my continued work to boost my confidence. having low self-esteem has made me fight success due to my feelings of unworthiness. therefore, even when i’m uncomfortable, i have to say “yes” to my fiancée’s gentle and consuming love. i have to say “yes” to new experiences with a belief that success is my birthright.

being happy, healthy and whole means fully leaning into all of the abundance that i am meant to have. raising my self-esteem requires me to say yes.

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today, i feel like i can’t lose. in fact, i’ve already won the greatest gift imaginable. i possess a wholehearted belief that i am worthy. if today is your first step towards the same belief, then congrats sis. you’re closer than you were before.

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