things i’m afraid to tell you

the blogosphere is full of pretentious posturing that makes people feel inadequate.  fashion, interior style, and lifestyle blogs create an insatiable urge for things we need, want, or will soon be tricked into believing we can’t live without.  bloggers play the role of cultivating markets for goods and paradigms by posting “it” items or providing influential social commentary; however, in the mist of such influence, we’re fallible humans whose diaries just happen to have received audiences.  as such, much of what you read on politics and fashion is simply a creative expression–don’t assume the bright colors and images coincide with a life free from pain and fear.  i’m just like you, and here are 5 things i was afraid to tell you:

1.  i spent much of my adult life in emotionally abusive and physically violent relationships.  as someone who self-identifies as a feminist, my past may seem oxymoronic, but in fact, vulnerability and insecurity have no ideological persuasion.  as a caretaker, i often make excuses for partners, instead of running when situations become unhealthy.  i’m finally starting to trust my judgment enough to embrace my value and simultaneously disassemble the destructive norms i’ve created for intimate relationships.

2.  i’m a smoker.  i started smoking in college and it’s been an on and off again dance with nicotine.  i’m so embarassed until i hide from my co-workers when i smoke at work.

3.  i don’t like my height. i wish i was just a few inches shorter.  i’m almost six-feet tall and although i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’ll never shrink, it’s still annoying to reach down and hug my friends.  i’m sensitive to the question “how tall are you?” because it feels like a nice way of calling me a freak.

4.  i’m an introvert, masquerading as an extrovert.  the only reason i’m the loudest person in the room with the biggest smile is because i’m too shy to be shy.  being outgoing is a coping mechanism for my natural inclination to retreat.

5.  i wish i was a dancer.  actually, any type of visual or performing artist would do, but being a dancer is a dream.  however, the toughest part about this desire is that i can’t dance.  besides a simple two-step, my dancing ability is pretty limited. do you know how long i practiced the dougie to no avail?  not my shining moment.

things i’m afraid to tell you was started by creature comforts and is a network of bloggers who’ve decided to dedicate some time to transparency and self-assessment.  the following are participating bloggers:

Design for Mankind | Little Brown Pen | Beautiful Hello | Curating Style | Sweet Fine Day |The Jealous Curator | Happy Days | Sage & Berries | Really Handmade | Peck Life | Satsuma Press | Rena Tom | For the Easily Distracted | The Hemborg Wife | Vitamini Handmade |Courtney Khail Stationery and Design | Meg in Progress | Dando Photography Blog |Widdershins22 | Alison Citron | Pink Moon Daily | Just Pretty Things | From China Village |Tea with Me | The Darling Ewe | Not Your Average Ordinary | The Electric Typewriter |Elleby Design | Parsimonia {Secondhand With Style} | Life as an Artistpreneur | Hello Cupcake | Dellie | The A & B Stories | Pretty Little Things | Feistyelle | Nib & Zed | Well and Cheaply | I Ripple. I Dance. | Whitfield Awesome Blog | Foxtrot Press | Dry As Toast | The List of Now | Apple Blue | For the Love of | Four Flights of Fancy | Miss Modish | Snapshots & Secrets | Dirty Laundry | Bubby & Bean | Penelope’s Press | Little Nostalgia | Vale Design |Pikaland | Fleurishing | Print Pretty | Vespa Tales | Hazel & Agnes | Amanda’s Musings | Mo’ Funk Designs | Ordinary Mommy | Camp 1899 | In Honor of Design | Liberty’s Yarn | Love, Life & Pictures | Stacey Winters | Owl in the Rain | Living Life Creatively | Emma Elizabeth Clease | I Live in Vacouver Now | British Cream Tea

5 comments

  1. Thank you so much for your courage and generosity in sharing here! I can relate to nearly all of it (other than the total averageness of my height!)

    Much continued strength and gentleness to you… I would reach my arms up to meet yours!

    Marissa

  2. 1. im proud of you. we have discussed this before.
    2. stop smoking!
    3. how cool do you feel, when you meet a fly person who’s your height or taller? how easy does it feel to exchange hugs, accessories, and shoes with said person who is your height!
    4. i understand, im a jellybean. i have a hard exterior but im really a softie.
    5. me too, i wanted to dance with Fatima Robinson when i was younger!

  3. I loved this post. We all have our own little secrets that we wish were I can relate..I smoked for 16 years and obsessively went to great lengths to hide it from students and co-workers. I took the risk and started taking chantix (loads of side affects, so it’s not for everyone) and that helped me quit when nothing else worked.
    and I’m 6 feet tall too!!

  4. thank you for being so vulnerable. i too was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. actually, i’ve dealt with some form of abuse most of my life (including self-inflicted). i may have to participate in this transparency and self-reflection.

  5. “…however, in the mist of such influence, we’re fallible humans whose diaries just happen to have received audiences.”

    I read this one a few days ago, but wanted to think about the idea of blogs being open books or diaries, if you will. I can relate to number 4 on your list, being an introvert, but having the ability to turn it off when need be (around people that I care about, when performing, when passionate about something, or when I need to defend myself). But bringing that back to blogging, I find that it’s a lot easier to be an open book when blogging than I do when I’m interacting with people in real life. In the real world, I feel that my every word or action gets nitpicked, analyzed, and criticized, whereas with blogging I feel that I can say what I feel like with less worry about stringent judgment. It’s funny that in an introverted medium like a blog it’s easier for me to feel more extroverted and open.

    And as for height, I wish I could trade with you. I’m 5’4”, and always wished that I were taller. I feel that people patronize me because I’m a smaller woman. I tend to notice that while shorter women like me wish we were taller, taller women wish they were shorter. We just want to know how the other half lives!

    Thanks for sharing your list.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s